What if Phil dies?
What if Phil leaves me?
What if I'm never good enough?
What if I'm always fat?
What if I get pregnant before I'm in Canada?
What if when the time is right we can't get pregnant at all?
What if there's a complication and immigration takes even longer than it already is?
What if my employers find a new nanny before I'm ready to go?
What if I never see that money that's owed to me?
What if I moved in with James and Martha to be closer to Phil now? Would the job stuff work out or would it be a huge mistake?
What if I'm a terrible wife and mother?
The list of negative "What ifs" goes on and on and can drive a person completely insane. So yesterday as I considered these and many others I also started to consider positive "What ifs":
What if Phil and I had never found each other?
What if I'd settled for someone or something else that could never be as perfect for me as he is?
What if I'd gotten the job in California? Would Phil and I have made it?
What if we were still waiting on the divorce? How much better the waiting is now!
What if we hadn't been able to be married in the temple?
What if I didn't have a job at all?
What if we had to spend another Christmas apart?
So many things could be so much worse and we are so blessed that they're not! We're so blessed to have each other, to have an eternal marriage, to have jobs, to have Phil's 3 beautiful girls...so many blessings. Its not always easy, but I'm trying to focus on happy things.
The most happy thing of all is my wonderful husband. Last night after feeling miserable and depressed all day long my sweet Phil did the very best thing he could while we're apart...he got me talking and he listened. I was able to pour out all the negative emotions that had been tormenting me all day long and know that the ears that were listening love and care about me and probably feel the same things I'm feeling. I asked him in the end how he was able to face it all without letting it bog him down the way it does me. He told me that you just have to rid your mind of the negative thoughts and fill it up with positive ones. You can't sit and stew over the bad things we can't change, the trials we can't avoid...it is what it is and obsessing won't change it. You just have to be positive, be grateful for what you have and look forward. Easier said than done for someone like me who focuses on the bad way too much to be healthy...but good sound advice. I'm so grateful to have such a loving wonderful man who listens when I need it, offers good counsel, is a worthy priesthood holder and loves me so very much.
After I vented Phil managed to do something miraculous...he cheered me up. As we talked about other things he had me smiling and laughing and feeling much lighter than I had all day long. It was only a short time of the day we got to spend together but he made it really count and really made a difference to end my day on a good note...I am so grateful for Phil. Even though we can't be together now, he is the most wonderful blessing and the most loving husband. I love you baby!
2 comments:
I tend to ask myself a lot of "what if" questions to. I think many women do that, and it's part of our overactive critical brain and way of thinking. But you are totally right. We do need to look at the positives and be grateful for our blessings. Thanks for the reminder. Love you. :)
This life gives us trials and tribulations for us to grow. Which way we grow is up to us. We can choose to grow closer or farther apart. The Lord gives us a day at a time and we should live everyday to our fullest and if we are given another day then we do the same. Amanda, there is far too much in this world that is here to distract us from this principal. The best advise that I have ever received was from my wifes Student Ward Bishop when we were preparing to marry in the temple:"Divorce is not an option. Never! Don't even ever think of the word. Just like faith, it can be a seed. Once there, it will always have the opportunity to grow. When life gets difficult don't loose faith that the Lord won't give us anything that we are not strong enough to handle." My father always reminds me that if we feel that we can not handle something that our Heavenly Father gives us then we should ask for the strength to handle it. If we don't have the strength to ask for the strength then we should ask for the strength to get the strength to ask for the strength. It is quite a bit of psychology but it does make sense in a number of applications. Amanda our Father in Heaven wants us to be happy. It is misery that loves company. Don't play the "What if..." game. You would go crazy with all the permutations that you could come up with. Let the Spirit into your heart and then follow your heart. I doubt you will ever go wrong! Best wishes on having better days!
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