Making Time For Me...A Bit of an Epiphany

Last night something strange happened... Phil and I had a silly tiff over something really dumb. I wasn't really mad, just felt annoyed with the situation and with him (to be fair I'm sure he felt mad and/or annoyed with me too!) It wasn't anything major...nothing that needed to be hashed out. I knew it would just resolve when we were both in a better mood. This isn't the strange part...this stuff happens with couples. What was strange was that I was perfectly fine spending the evening without him. The fact is, I don't think that's ever happened before! Even when I'm mad at him, even when we're fighting, whatever the case may be, I HATE being apart from him. When I have church activities or book club or work or anything that takes me away from him for an evening, all I can do is look at the clock and long to have whatever it is over with so I can get back home to him. Last night, I didn't feel that. Instead of rushing home I went to a friends instead and had a lovely evening with her and her cute little baby boy. I realized how desperately I've missed "girl time". It was really nice to just be with a friend, calm and relaxed and enjoying the company of someone other than Phil. A part of me hurts over this. I love Phil so tremendously with everything I am. All the time we spent apart during our courtship and beginning of our marriage took its toll on me emotionally. Once we were finally here in Canada together, it took months for me to be okay just being in a different room than him. It sounds pathetic...rather it IS pathetic. I'm sort of a sad little puppy that feels the need to follow him around from room to room simply because I hated it so much when we couldn't be together. But I think because of that emotional strain, I've let myself get rather lost in my relationship...allowing it to completely define me and somehow left Amanda, the independent woman who lived on the East Coast for 6 years, totally behind. Maybe that's over evaluating it...I'm still me of course. I still like the same things and have the same personality quirks, etc. The thing is, all those things I enjoy, I don't spend much time doing them anymore. Reading, photography, taking a drive for no reason, spending time alone in nature, spending hours on the phone with old friends, going to dinner or out to movies with girlfriends, writing, drawing, creating, guitar....How long its been since I do any of these things. The most I do is read, but even then, if its not an audio book I'm lucky to make it through a single book in many months time. Instead of choosing to spend solo time doing any of these things I enjoy, I choose to spend all my time doing whatever Phil happens to be doing. That choice individually isn't bad, in fact I think its one of the reasons Phil and I are so close and our relationship is so strong, because we do make the time and effor to be together a lot. But, I think...I know, it would be healthier for me if I made the effort from time to time and chose to do something for me. Its not an easy thing for me to admit. I really LOVE spending time with my husband. He's my very best friend and a tremendous about of my life's joy. But it really is important for me to remember that he's not my ONLY joy and that many things brought me joy before he was ever in my life. So, its an effort I am really going to try and make, whether its once a week or a few times a month...I just need to make the choice to spend time with Amanda....not just hang out with the MacDonald's all the time. I am a MacDonald...but I was Amanda first.