Homeless

As I've gone to visit Canada over the past 7 months a lot of things have come as a surprise to me. While it doesn't always feel like another country because its right there and seems pretty much the same as the US I'll start to get comfortable and then WHAM! Something shows up that clearly doesn't belong in the life I'm used to and I'm reminded that I truly am in a completely different country. Some of these things are funny...

Ketchup chips of course came as a surprise to me...


Poutine is now one of my favorite comfort foods...


And it struck me as very bizarre to discover there's a pizza place called "Pizza Pizza" that has nothing what so ever to do with Little Ceasars (and odder still...they have those too!)


Some things frankly just frightened me, like the demon black squirrels (just not natural, I'm telling you...squirrels are grey...maybe brown...but not black! Demons I tell you, DEMONS!) Not sure if they are hiding in some parts of the US but I'd never seen one until I was in Canada and it really shocked me!


Other things aren't so much funny as just plain annoying. Trying to adjust to kilometers vs. miles or liters vs. gallons is a real pain in the butt. I still get a little twinge of shock when I'm driving down the freeway and the sign says 100 instead of 60 or when I go to the gas pump and the price is a dollar something instead of 3 something (and thanks to liters being less than gallons, it still costs more in Canada! LOL)


I discoverd another severe annoyance last time I was in Canada. I've been making Lipton rice my entire life. You throw it in the pot, add some water and butter, boil uncovered a few minutes and let it sit to absorb all the water...boom, rice! Not so in Canada...


I was making my famous enchiladas for Phil for the first time and like I always do, I planned to serve it with Lipton Spanish rice. I was thrilled to see he already had a pack in his cupboard. I went to making it like I always do, but after about 10 minutes of cooking it still looked exactly as it had when I put everything in the pan. Baffled I asked Phil about it. He grabbed the package I'd tossed in the trash and informed me that I was supposed to cover it for 20 minutes....Cover it? 20 Minutes? What was he talking about???

"You've got to read the directions baby" he said and though he didn't mean anything by it I just about burst into tears feeling like a total idiot. It was just rice, nothing of any importance in life...but why one Earth would I read the directions for something I've been cooking perfectly for years? That's just stupid. And that's what I told him, to which he replied something about how I'm in a whole different country and things aren't the same here.

Over the weekend I'd already had other mishaps...putting things in the wrong trash bins, breaking dishes, using the washer at the wrong time of day...the bottom line is, not only am I having to adjust to a whole new country, I'm having to adjust to a whole new household. A household that isn't even really mine yet despite being married to the guy that owns it. It was a silly epiphany being brought on by a package of rice, but in that moment it just all hit me. I'm homeless. I have NO WHERE in his country or mine where I really belong and feel comfortable in. In CT I live with my employers, and every nanny knows that you NEVER feel at home there. You're forever feeling weird and awkward about the dumbest things...grabbing a bowl of cereal, going to the kitchen for a glass of water, leaving to go out on Saturday using their car...no matter how welcoming the family is, its just not your house and you know it and you never feel 100% at home there.

I've been away from Utah so long that my parents house doesn't feel like home either...its there house now, and when I'm there (which isn't often at all) I'm a guest now. Though I grew up there, it no longer feels like home to me anymore...I've grown up to much and lived away from there too long. That's normal and part of life but just one more place that's not home.

And then there's Phil's house...Phil's home...not our home...Phil's home. I don't live there yet. When I'm there, I'm a guest. I'm surrounded by stuff that isn't mine. Surrounded by rooms I'm not really familiar with yet. I can't hardly even get the tv going without assistance. Every move I make I feel like I'm intruding or wondering if I'm doing something wrong. And its all the more awful because the one person in the whole world who's opinion of me really truly matters is Phil's. I hate feeling stupid in front of him. I hate when he sees my faults and my insecurities and my mistakes. And standing in his kitchen that night, feeling stupid about rice all I wanted to do was run away and hide somewhere safe...and I realized no such place exsists for me. I went downstairs, locked myself in the bathroom and just started crying. It seems like my whole life is trying to be perfect for people and I'm so terribly bad at it. And there's no where to hide and just be imperfect, clutsy, stupid me where no one else can see.

Phil of course noticed my absense and came down to find me. I didn't know what to do or say. The whole emotional thing was stupid in and of itself, crying over rice. But it was so much more than rice and how could I explain that right. I came out of the bathroom and Phil was sitting on the couch. I crawled right up in to his arms, layed my head on his chest and trying to control the tears long enough to try to make him understand. I don't think I managed very well but he held me anyway.

Eventually I was fine and got dinner finished (though the dumb rice was beyond repair) but it didn't change the fact that I still feel very much homeless. In fact, the only place I do feel safe and like I belong is in Phil's arms and despite my hearts true desire, I can't spend my whole life there.

I hope someday soon Phil's house will become my house and that someday after that, I'll begin to really feel like its my home too. Homeless till then...

And now...back to me

As my relationship with Phil began, developed, and eventually lead to our marriage, this blog went from being just me and my random thoughts to being all about us and the wonderfulness that is having Phil in my life.

Now that we're married, I decided to make us a brand new blog for our relationship and our family. You can visit it here:

http://macdonald123.blogspot.com/

When I originally started this Nanny Poppins blog, it was just for me and my thoughts and I've decided its time to go back to that. I find it very theraputic to get my thoughts out into the world, even if no one is reading it, its just nice to put them out there...sometimes it helps get them out of my head or helps me deal with them or face them or share them when they're wonderful. Whatever the case may be, I liked having that space that was just for me, where I could be a little whiny or self absorbed or go on and on about some silly thought that I don't want to bore a real breathing person with....so that's what this will be again...

And now...back to me!

Angel Anniversary

Its been 15 years today since my little Adam left us to return to our Heavenly Father following injuries he sustained in a car accident.

Just a few days ago, it was the one year mark of when my dear friend Joanne lost her battle to cancer and also returned to her loving Heavenly Father.

Two beautiful angels, whose presense in my life I am so very grateful for. Love and prayers to both our families and smiles up to our angels in heaven.

Choosing To Be Happy

In general, I'd like to think that I strive to be a happy and positive person. Many times however I fail miserably and lately that has really been the case. Quite frankly, I'm surprised at this point that I still have my wonderful fiance because I'd have probably left myself by now!

Since Phil and I decided to get married, I've really allowed the stress and drama of planning the wedding overshadow the joy and excitement of marrying my sweetheart. Yes wedding planning is stressful but I've really become aware of just how much I've allowed the stress to overwhelm me when if I would simply choose to be happy and make the efforts involved in that choice, then the stress wouldn't affect me the way it has been.

The wedding is almost 2 weeks away and I want more than anything to enjoy this special time in my life. I'm sorry to my sweet mother, my wonderful friends and especially my sweet and wonderful husband-to-be for all the upset tears and complaints they've had to hear and witness over the last couple of months. I love you all and the fact that you've listened, counseled, supported and most importantly, stayed by my side is reason enough right there to be absolutely filled with joy!

Tonight, when faced with more negativity that I was not handling well, I knelt down and had a long talk with my Heavenly Father about the person I've let myself be lately and the person I want to be instead. After the prayer I started to really think about what actions make for a happier life. I started jotting them down and thought I'd like to reflect a bit on them here...

The way I see it, the key to being happy is to be as Christ-like as possible. The happiest people in this world I know are also the most Christ-like people I know. These wonderful individuals live righteous lives, go out of their way to support and serve others, they're always positive to those around them, lifting other up and never tearing others down. If I want to be a happier person I need to send more happiness out into the world. Give more compliments than criticisms, share more of the good things than the bad things with others, thank my Heavenly Father for my many MANY blessings rather than always focusing on the bad things I want fixed.

If I strive each day to be more Christ-like and to live my life in a way and treat others in a way that will please Him, then no matter what anyone else in my life says or does, I'll be able to keep smiling and know that I'm doing my very best and that I'm being the very best version of me I can be.

Tonight this is my wish and my prayer
XOXOXOXOX

Temple Weekend & Proposal: Take 2

Last weekend was wonderful! I got to go to Canada for Phil's endowment at the Toronto Temple. Since my own endowment almost 2 years ago, I've waited and hoped and wished and prayed for the day I'd be in the temple with my eternal sweetheart and finally being there with him was spiritually and emotionally overwhelming in a wonderful way. I don't think I've ever felt the sort of joy and peace that I felt sitting with Phil in the Celestial Room. It was truly marvelous and I can't wait to be back there with him in 3 weeks being sealed for time and all eternity!

Before the session, Phil and I took a walk around the temple grounds with Rebecca (one of the wonderful sister missionaries who taught Phil the gospel) and Alishea. We took pictures.....





Phil and I stopped to dance.....no one else could hear the music, but I assure you it was there hehe




And then, as I sat down on the edge of one of the fountains after a few more pictures, Phil announced that he had something he needed to do...for the second time he got down on one knee and this time when he reached in his pocket he pulled out a small red velvet box with my REAL ring inside! Yay! No tears this time (well, mostly anyway!) but big BIG smiles as Phil proposed to me a second time. I of course accepted again!








And now the wedding is less than 3 weeks away! The invitations have been sent out (mostly! LOL) and my life (and my mom's) are in full on wedding planning crazy mode. Work is NOT making this process an easy one. I really need summer to end and for my nanny kids to get their little behinds back in school to give me a bit of planning time each day that doesn't take place at midnight! But crazy as it all is, things are starting to fall into place. I'm stressed to breaking point, but in 3 weeks it will be over. That is both good and sad all at the same time. I'm so anxious for the day to be here and to finally be Mrs. MacDonald and to know that Phil is mine for eternity. But at the same time, it will be sad when that special day is over...but the good news is we have a whole wonderful life in mortality and then a wonderful eternity together so I guess the wedding day is just the first beautiful step on a much MUCH better journey to come! The next time I go to Canada we're getting MARRIED! Its kind of crazy to wrap my head around! Now I just need to deal with crossing the border! Anyone out there reading this...say a prayer for me, my biggest fear at this point is being denied access into the country 2 days before the wedding! YIKES!!!!!!

To everyone travelling to share this special day with us, your efforts are very VERY appreciated! We love you all! Can't wait to see you...just 3 weeks away!!!!

Lots of love!
XOXOXOXOXOXOX
The Soon To Be Mrs. MacDonald!!!!!

Surprisingly Surprised!!!!

Phil and I decided very early on that we planned to marry each other someday. We just knew it would happen. It may sound stupid or like some made believe fairytale, but from the very beginning we sensed something about each other and knew in our hearts that we'd found "the one". Plenty of friends and family members probably thought we were nuts...but this is the really fun part where we get to say "told ya so!" LOL (Okay maybe not....but still...nice to be right for a change! haha)

Anyway, back to the story... Phil and I knew we'd get married someday and finally the day came that we decided it was time. We quietly began the wedding plans, setting a date, location, etc. and telling only our closest family and friends. We didn't want to go "public" with our engagement until it was official. I wanted a real proposal and Phil wanted the ring on my finger. So we arranged to get the ring.

However, my ring was being shipped from Utah and was unexpectedly held up at customs, and just hours before I hopped on the bus to Canada we found out it wouldn't make it until after I was back in CT :( I was very very bummed.

Given that there would be no ring to propose with, I figured I wouldn't get my real proposal for a few more weeks and that we'd have to just go ahead and go public without a ring and without a fun story to tell people. Phil picked me up at the bus terminal as usual early on Saturday morning. Usually we just head straight back to his house, but this time he took me to a park. It was only about 7:30 in the morning so there really wasn't anyone there and the park was beautiful. We started walking around and I was very curious as to why he'd made the detour. I wondered if he had planned the proposal and decided to go ahead with it, even without the ring. We walked around the park, took pictures, kissed...then we got back in his truck and left...no proposal.



We ended up grabbing breakfast and stopping at a second park...once again, no proposal.



At this point all thought of a proposal that weekend left my mind. Of course, Phil is a guy, and as part of his guy DNA he isn't going to go to the effort to do some grand romantic thing if he doesn't have to right? The ring wasn't there so why on earth would he propose? I resigned myself to the fact that it wouldn't be for a few more weeks and to just enjoy the weekend together without being on edge wondering for the millionth time if "this is it!" or not.

We picked up his girls and took the 3 hour drive out to Phil's mom's trailer. The camp area where the trailer is was so beautiful and their spot was right on a gorgeous lake. When we first arrived, Phil and I walked down to the little wooden dock to look out at the water. We took some pictures and sat in chairs holding hands and just relaxing. It was so nice. Then we spent some time with his mom and took a nap before dinner. After a nice dinner and birthday dessert for Phil's daughter and brother who had both had birthdays that week, Phil's mom took the kids to one of the camp site activities.



After cleaning up a bit I walked down to the dock again with my camera to take some sunset sky pictures. Phil put the cake away and then walked down to join me. He asked me for the camera and I gave it to him. He told me to stand near the edge of the dock and he took my picture. Then he fiddled with it for a few mintues and set it up on a small table to take a timed picture of the two of us together....or so I thought.

After hitting the button on the camera Phil rushed over to me but instead of standing next to me and posing for the photo he wrapped his arms around me and started kissing me. "Aww" I thought, "a kissing picture, how romantic!" But after a few more seconds, I realized I hadn't heard the "click" of the camera indicating that the picture had been taken. I was about to look over at the camera and say something about it when at that exact moment Phil pulled back from me a bit, looked me in the eyes and went down on one knee! It all clicked into realization at once...this WAS it! Phil was proposing! And the camera hadn't "clicked" because he wasn't setting it up to take a photo, he'd set it up to take a video of our proposal so we'd always have it to remember the moment that he knew meant the world to me! My baby is so romantic!



I immediately started crying before he'd even said a word. He then said the sweetest things anyone has ever said to me and asked for the priviledge of being my husband. He then reached in his back pocket and for just a tiny moment I thought maybe my ring had arrived afterall...but then the next moment I was laughing and of course still crying tears of extreme joy, as he slipped a tiny pink hair elastic onto my ring finger.



There was no diamond ring but it was definitely the most wonderful moment of my life! The ring would come later...but this man would be mine forever! He loves me! And now, we were officially engaged! Through the laughter and the tears and the overwhelming emotion I couldn't even get a word out. Phil finally said "Is that a yes?" and through more laughter I nodded, somehow got out the word "yes" and then he was holding me again and kissing me again and I was happier than I've ever been. And the whole thing was all the more impressive because he actually surprised me! I wanted to be surprised and I thought since we'd already made the decision and started planning that there was no way he'd be able to surprise me with a proposal. He did it! My future husband is amazing! :)

Just moments later, Phil's mom came rushing down to the dock, bummed out that she'd missed seeing him on his knee! Haha We reenacted the moment for her and had her take a few pictures for us.



After that, Phil took me out on a romantic little boat ride around the lake.





What a perfect proposal! Phil, I love you soooooo much! Thank you for making all my dreams come true! You are my soul mate in every way, I love you darling! XOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

As of right now, our wedding is just ONE MONTH AWAY! It's so crazy to think that in just one month I'll be Mrs. MacDonald! It is coming so soon but still it feels it just can't come fast enough! I can't wait!

Summer Update!

Wow, it has been one crazy summer so far! After my sweetheart came to visit me for my birthday in NYC in June, my employers whisked me away to Bald Head Island in North Carolina for a two week "vacation" where I would work for them pretty much the whole time...but in all fairness, when I say work, what I really mean is sit by the pool or lay on the beach for 2 weeks straight so it was pretty awesome. The island was amazing! I climbed to the top of the lighthouse, played in the waves, relaxed in the hammock, read some good books, ate some great sea food and drove around for 2 weeks in a golf cart!

After we got back (and pretty much right after I finished unpacking all 5 of us in the house!) I repacked my bags, rented a car and drove up to Palmyra NY to spend the weekend with my wonderful Phil and his wonderful daughter, Abrianna! We went camping (if you can call sleeping on a mattress in the back of the truck camping Haha) and visited the sites in Palmyra. We went to the Grandin printing press where the Book of Mormon was first published and attending the Hill Cumorah Pageant (amazing!) on Saturday. On Sunday we visited the Palmyra Temple grounds, the Joseph Smith Farm, the Hill Cumorah Visitors Center and climbed the Hill Cumorah up to the top (not that far but in wicked heat and humidity it was a bit challenging!) We also spent some very special moments in the Sacred Grove where we read the story of Joseph Smith's first vision from the scriptures. Such a special day! Leaving of course was horrible, awful, no good, very bad as usual. I'm never able to leave Phil or watch Phil leave me without crying...I guess that's probably a good thing right? At least it means I love him with all my heart and soul! :)

Since returning from my 2 fun filled vacations, I've been working working working like crazy. Kids home from school, 12-14 hour work days....I am one tired nanny! Only one month of summer left though....there is light at the end of the Nanny Summer Tunnel!

Next weekend I'll be back up to Canada for another visit and can't wait! I miss Phil sooooo much when we're apart, but finally being back in each other's arms is the absolute best! See you next week my love XOXOXOX

PS - For those of you who follow my blog, check out what I found at the grocery store in Connecticut this week....apparently someone watched my videos! Can't stop laughing! Hahahaha